Jade Dragons

In China several thousand years ago Emperors used to train as Jade Dragons. Taoist sexual techniques for spiritual growth, healing and longevity. Old school rumpy-pumpy methodology. The archive of literature is vast. At first glance it looks like men get the bum rap. Apparently we’re not to release our semen at every encounter lest we grow weak, slow and very, very stupid. Man’s entire practice is about discipline and restraint. But the women are told to let go. They don’t tire from sexual encounters as we do. They are energized by them. A woman’s sexual appetite is said to be Oooo Shyien - without limit. And so for a woman to live at her full capacity she must be unleashed and given the freedom to have as many partners as she desires. But today such behavior is still condemned. Women still whores. Men studs. Yet biologically it’s all topsy-turvy. To remain strong and in good health a man must contain his Jing, his Mysterious Ancestor. A woman can go like the clappers. The more sex she has the more her immune system is boosted, the stronger she becomes, the more creative. Indeed the more a women gets nailed properly the more she will become like a god. Like high grade Ayuashca the bodies serotonin increases even after the peak. There simply is no come down. The result – a stronger, calmer, less nervous, yes, less neurotic feminine psyche. But for that she must be freed from the cultural stigma that restrains her. That creates repression and, in turn, illness within her. And all men, at one point or another, arrive at a moment in their lives when the boundaries of their so called love are tested. When they are asked if it has come with a condition. Because real love has no conditions. So a man, if he is one, must be completely prepared to give his lover the freedom that she may one day desire without retribution. And in turn she must ask herself if she is willing to accept it. For between a woman’s fear of freedom and a man’s jealousy of it, our evolutionary progress is at a standstill.

Cats and Dogs

I had lunch with a couple who argue non-stop yesterday. They also have a dog and a cat who just lie there watching them. Sometimes the dog raises its head, sighs. Sometimes the cat looks at them, yawns. Cats and dogs are basically us. We should study them at school. A women’s really just a very sophisticated cat. And a man, well a man’s a dog. It’s quite straightforward. For example you can’t force a cat to play with you. It wont work. And the more you push it the less it will want to. And if you push too hard it’ll get it’s claws out and scratch you. A cat did that to me once when I was a teenager and I punched it in the face. That cat never played with me again. But how was I to know? If you want to play with a dog you just do it. It doesn’t matter what time it is. Day or night, morning or evening, a dog is ready to go. You don’t even have to ask. You just start. The dog can even be sleeping and Boom. Play time. Once I even saw a dog trying play and poo at the same time. And from what I could tell, it wanted to play more. The front half of its body was scrambling for the ball and the back half was desperately trying to screech itself to a halt just so it could finish its business. But you could tell where its head was. With that big dumb-ass grin on its face. It knew something was up but was still having fun. For a dog playing is top of the list. But a cat has to be in the mood. A cat teaches us patience and respect. If you want something from a cat, you’ll never get it. And even if you do, you wont be really getting it. To have any sort of relationship with a cat you have to love it and want nothing from it. Its not like a dog in that way. A dog is simple. A dog is always up for it. A dog is predictable. We don’t quite have the magic that they do. We’re a bit obvious. Then again a dog teaches unconditional love, unfettered buoyancy, forgiveness. A dog will always forgive you. And they’ll do it immediately. Holding grudges is beneath them. Of course a cat can forgive too. But only after you’ve groveled for an eternity. And even then its just waiting for you to make the same mistake twice. A cat has trouble forgiving because it can’t forget. A cats weakness is it’s pride. It’s obsessed with looking good because it believes that it’s proportionate to feeling good. Mistake number one. It’s the other way around.  

Crystal

I met a rock star the other day who takes a lot of drugs and apparently has sex with a ton of women. I have to say, he looked like shit. But when you talked to him up close you really got the impression that he was thrilled with himself. That he believed he’d made it. That he was still making it. He kept drinking shots and I just kept wondering if he was enjoying it. So I asked him if he was actually getting pleasure out of it, or if he was just getting less pain. He nodded his head like I’d hit the nail on the head and then poured me a glass of Patron Silver. Then he told Crystal to come over and sit on my lap. Crystal was like fifty years old and had a fucked up hair-style. She was also big into leather. When I didn’t finish my glass she said she’d help me out and gulped it. Then she leaned forward and tried to kiss me. I think her plan was to pour it into my mouth from hers like a bird regurgitating food into its young. I think she thought this was the hottest thing ever. Crystal was pissed when I said I wouldn’t sleep with her. But it didn’t stop her from grabbing my crotch and threatening to take me apart. When I started sniggering I think she felt insulted. So I told her that I didn’t make love to people I wasn’t in love with. She thought that was hilarious and started repeating it to anyone who would listen. Payback for all the sniggering I guess. So I told her that sex wasn’t sport. That it was hard core. That it was the deepest communication we could have with another person. And that if your feelings for them were not aligned on that deepest of levels too, then you would accumulate precisely the amount of trauma that made up the difference. The simple reason why a one night stand always felt like such shit. Because the accumulation was at the max. It could go no deeper. When I finished talking Crystal was gawping at me as if I’d just produced a perfectly formed turd from out of one of my nostrils. When I told her it was her turn to speak she just removed her hand from my pants and walked away. I hadn’t meant to bum her out. But I had to say something.

Seduction

A so-called seduction artist invited me to one of his private meetings last night. He claims to be a protégé of that guy that Tom Cruise’s character is based on in Magnolia. The seduce and destroy king. The one that has the deep seated emotional issues that turn out to be stemmed by his stubborn loser father who dies regretting everything he ever did. Apparently he’s a legend. I hear he does seminars in tropical resorts where he teaches men a version of Neural Linguistic Programming which is basically a bunch of psychological techniques that inspire women to want to hump you. In the advanced class he charges several thousand dollars to reveal how to shoot energy beams out of your groin and talk to a woman’s libido on the Chimpanzee level. From what I can tell though it’s a bit like the Jedi mind trick in that it only works on Stormtroopers and drunk out-of-towners. Then again at least its an honest package. First you seduce yourself into a relationship, then you destroy it. Because once you’re in it you have no idea how to maintain it. But this guy was nothing like him. He’d split entirely from his school of thought because he disagreed with the principles. In particular the idea of trying to control emotions. Becuase he said that if either party ever tried to suppress something they’d just give themselves a tumor. Because it wasn’t about suppression. It was about understanding expression. About changing ones perception of the so-called negative kind where she calls you one thing and you call her another. It was about seeing it as an energy exchange like any other. Like Squash or Paddycake. He said that the domestic dispute had been given a bad rap. That we needed to reeducate ourselves in the art of making war because it was the inverted side of making love. That it was just as natural as rain or darkness. Because if all the earth ever got was sunshine nothing would ever grow. Because only a thunderstorm has the power to cleanse build-up and make way for new life.      

Men

Women are fed up of watching men get all upset and walk away the minute they tell us they have boyfriends. They’re completely fed up with it. It makes us look like losers. Like zombies totally content with having sex with people we’re not even interested in talking to. It so embarrassing. And they see it immediately. They even wait for us to expose ourselves. You can ask them. They know whats happening. They can smell bullshit a mile off. They string us along just watch us fall harder. They’re not stupid. They watch us playing that super nice guy, that oh so charming role, right up until the moment they say it and we drop the mask and suddenly go from nice guy, to douche bag. What do we really expect? For them to walk around with vagina unavailable signs on their foreheads? Its ridiculous. If we could just spend a single day as a woman, a single night, just to watch ourselves and the ways in which we use one utterly lame, completely transparent ruse after another, solely for the purpose of getting laid, we’d be disgusted.   

Heath Ledger 2

So I hear that Heath Ledger was only sleeping two hours a night because his mind was keeping him up. I get that. Because we live in a society that tells us lies, the greatest of which is that we are our minds. That this voice inside of us, is us. That it’s important. That it should be listened to. That it should be indulged. The result – we are a species at the mercy of it. We are no less that its bitch. And if you are your minds bitch than you will never find happiness, rest, peace. Because your mind will always be there to shout at you, to drone on at you, to sing songs at you. And skinny Indians and squat Orientals have known this for centuries. They knew that if you thought with your mind you were lost. Because the mind is the youngest, least perceptive of the senses. It knows only how to separate the whites and the colors at the laundromat. But which way to go? Which decision to make? The mind doesnt know. And so it will make lists. And we will chose between them, knowing all along, that we dont know either. Because to know which way to go can only be found by thinking with big daddy gut, and listening with mamma heart. Even hearing with your elbows is better than with your mind. Especially if youre dealing with a woman. Because to a woman the words are never the most important part of the communication. But we havent understood that yet, as men. So we call women illogical. But its only illogical if the words are the only communication taking place when you say something. But they’re not. Because when we communicate, we are saying many different things, in many different ways, simultaneously. And a woman knows this. Because she hears them. She sees them. And so she reacts to them. All of them. But because a man is only aware of one of them, of the words, he concludes that her answer is illogical. But shes not illogical. Hes just blind. Blind and deaf, to his entire communication.     

Women and Dogs

I love walking in the park and meeting women with dogs. Its so nice talking with them. Especially when the dog suddenly starts to take a shit. Because when a womens dog decides to take a shit, for some reason the women suddenly feels as if they’re taking a shit. As if they’re taking a shit and you’re watching. It’s so great. What’s even better is when the dog decides to lick another dogs balls. Because then the women suddenly feels as if they’re licking someone else’s balls right there in the middle of the park. So they start to pull the leash and get all uptight and give you that embarrassed look. Sometimes they even begin apologizing and telling the dog to stop. As if the dog picked it up from them. As if its letting the cat out of the bag or something.  As if unbeknown to the dog, its revealing the sexual fantasies of the woman. As if its acting them out. And then she likes to do this. And then after that, she loves to do a bit of this.